Saturday, November 13, 2010

Ever Wish You Could

turn life's clock back to when you were happy?  It's been so long since I've been happy, I'm not sure I remember what it feels like.

I do know that it isn't the constant disappointment and stress I've been experiencing since this last move. The stress has been so constant that I've been getting muscle spasms in my jaw. (I have a bad habit of clenching my jaw when I'm stressed and have apparently been doing it A LOT!)

I miss my life before Florida.  I miss having true friends, as here there are only aquaintances.  I miss having a job I enjoyed and excelled at.  Now, I have a job that doesn't pay enough and adds to the jaw clenching.  I'm looking for a second job, but finding just one took 4 months.  There may be something in the works and I pray that it comes to fruition as it is more pay and I'd pretty much have a job at our next duty station whereever it is when Hubster is done here.  Please keep your fingers crossed for me.

We came here so we could be together as a family because the military separates us often enough without a choice.  Yet, we will likely not be able to do even one of the excursions we had planned on during our time here. 

I'm completely bummed about Christmas as well.  We weren't going to do gifts beyond stockings this year as we had planned to take the kids to Busch Gardens for the weekend.  Circumstances have made sure that our trip will not be happening.  And due to those circumstances, there will still only be stockings (if that) under the tree on Christmas morning.  I know Jesus is the reason for the season.  I know that we should just be happy that we will be spending the holiday together, as a family, under the same roof, instead of on opposite sides of the earth.  But I love picking out the perfect gift for my loved ones.  I love seeing the wonder in my children's eyes at all the presents under the tree and the joyful smiles when they unwrap that one thing they've really been wanting.  It makes me sad to know that won't be part of the Christmas Magic this year.  To top it off our sons have birthdays the week before and the week after Christmas and I have no idea what we're going to do for those either.

I'm just so sick of the struggle and yet, I know there is nothing I can do but keep trudging through it.  I wish there was some end in sight but it's likely to get uglier before it even starts to get better.  I wish I  had the faith and trust that God has it all under control and everything will work out just peachy keen...but I don't.  I've tried that path and as hard as it was, I truly trusted Him and believed all would work out.  Instead, things have just continued the spiral downward.  I feel like I am trying to climb out of a hole, only to find the bottom dropped out  to reveal an endless abyss and the walls are now covered in oil.

Thanks if you got this far.  I hate to be Debbie Downer all the effin' time but I gotta get it out somewhere.  So without any friends here and a hubby who doesn't understand, here it is in my private public journal.


  1. Ah yes... I know the stress all too well.. I have been batteling doctors trying to keep my husband alive .. and batteling oncologist to try different things to kill the cancer.. so yes. I know stress.. a good thing to remind us all that if we have our health.. we really do have it all.

  2. I'm sorry you are going through so much, Barbara. I will pray you find the right oncologist with the right approach! *hugs*

    I know our problems could be so much worse, so thank you for the perspective.

  3. Dear D,
    My heart goes out to you. Life is so hard at times, and yours seems so sad. Please know there are people out here who read your posts and wish and pray for you and your family.

  4. This time of year is such a struggle when on a tight budget. It seems like no matter how much we plan when money is a little better, it always seems to get rough right when we need it to work out. :(

    Don't fret about putting it all out here. That's what these blogs are for --- the good times and the hard ones, and getting encouragement and support for both along the way. Hang in there.

  5. Hey, I am so sorry you are having a horrible time at the moment, Im going through a bit of crap myself so i know how you feel. I spent all day yesterday crying, I could'nt stop. It is the worst feeling in the world. I hope everything works out for you xoxox if you ever need to talk just email me any time ok xx big hugs from Ireland xxx