My So-Called Life (Part 2)

So here I am in Florida.  My house is still in disarray with half unpacked boxes scattered about in every room.  I've been here a week now, and really had hoped to have the house looking more like a home by now. 

I'm also busy trying to find a job.  I haven't heard anything from the Air Force Base, despite calling to check and leaving messages.  I took a chance and applied for an OR Tech position.  I doubt I hear anything, as I don't have any experience in that area....although I would love to get it!  It's a foot in the door to my dream job of being a surgical nurse.  Meanwhile, I'm trying to get my Kansas license endorsed by the state of Florida.  Not an easy task.  Not only are their fees 5x that of the last three states I've been licensed in, there's quite a few other hoops to jump through.

Due to surgery, I had lift/weight restrictions due to the hiatal hernia repair that prevented me from being able to my job as the night shift nurse.  I was only cleared to go back a week before our move.  I was thankful that I had the blessing of being able to watch my BFF's son to supplement the lost income.  Then with getting our home ready to sell/rent, renting a new home here, and the costs of the actual move, it all added up much faster than expected.  Hence, why I had to swallow my pride and do something I swore I'd never do again.  I had to ask my parents for a loan until we start getting regular rent from our tenants, Ty signs in and we get the remainder of our move reimbursement, and I can get a job.  I haven't borrowed money from my parents in over 10 years, but unfortunately, due to my days of being young,dumb, and irresponsible I was only able to finish paying them back 5 years ago.

I've worked hard to fix the mistakes I've made in the past, to be more responsible, trying to set a good example for our kids.  Having to ask for money made me feel like I failed at all of that.  I felt guilty because we aren't able to do it all on our own...because I had to ask for help.  I got lectured because I don't work full time all the time because they always have.  Yet, when Hubster deployed the first time, I didn't move back home like planned...I stayed in Oklahoma where I had no family or friends to take a job in pediatrics.  I worked the entire deployment and continued working full time until 3 months before we moved to Kansas.  I was written up for leaving work to take my son to the ER when the daycare called reporting blood in his stool.  It was the final straw to a lot of things that went on in that office...stuff I just kept letting slide.  I continued working weekends with two of the doctors from that office and we were fine.

I had a full time job lined up here and worked with the Army for 6 months before taking a job closer to home.  That's when all hell broke loose with Hubster's second deployment and I really felt like I was losing my mind.  I went down to PRN with them and also worked with their urgent care PRN while I attended school full time and started working part time nights at the nursing home...where I was employed the remainder of our stay in Kansas.  In the time between going PRN and starting school, I babysat full time in my home for a little girl.  Same thing after surgery, I babysat.  I've always worked...but just not how they think I should, I guess.  Same old story...I'm just never going to be good enough to live up to their expectations.

They believe that because they were able to work opposite shifts, rely on family and neighbors to help when they had to work overtime, I should too.  But this is our third move in 5 1/2 years and we'll be doing it again next year when Hubster is finished with his training.  I don't have family or friends to rely on.  We were very fortunate that the CDC at Ft. Sill was incredible!  However, our experience with the CDC at Ft. Riley was beyond atrocious and is part of the reason we bought the house we did...the in-home daycare next door had an available spot for Monster.  We were again blessed to have great child care...unfortunately, when Hubster came home and school was out, she had no available spots to allow me to go back to work full time.  So that's why I worked weekend nights...it was the only time we could really count on hubby being home to watch the kids.  He had to leave in the mornings before any child care was available and before night shift ended and we never knew when he'd be home at night.  That's a logistical nightmare for trying to find child care.  A live-in nanny would be a great solution, but we're not rich and can't afford that option.  Once I made friends, they were an immense help, but one can only ask for so many favors before feelings start getting hurt.

My parents just don't seem to understand that I would love to have a full time job.  I am a phenomonal nurse!  I have the letters of recommendation, references and job performance reviews to back that statement up.  I LOVE being a nurse!  I love my kids and I love time with them, but I don't LOVE being a stay-at-home-mom.  I think working makes me a better mom because I appreciate my time with them much more.  I don't feel like I'm always asking them to stop fighting or not to do this or that.  My brain isn't mush from the millionth re-run of whatever is on Disney or Nick Jr.  After a day of work, watching that with them lets my brain decompress! :-)

However,  Hubster's career makes it really hard for me to work full time.  Every time one of the kids is sick...guess who has to stay home with them?  Me because no matter how many politicians, military PR or commercials you see...the military is not family friendly.  The military ALWAYS comes first.  So while Hubster won't get fired for staying home with sick kids...I can be and have come close to it.  But when you don't know anyone...there is no back up child care when they are too sick for school or daycare.  There is just mom.  There is always just mom because dad is always at work, away training or deployed.  There has to be some kind of constant in their lives, right?  Well that constant is me...and I hope I never make my kids feel like they aren't good enough.  I also hope that if they ever need help they never feel the way I did/do about asking.